Life, As I See It

Throughout the process of this entire relationship, I’ve learned so many different things about myself, my friends, writing online, and of course, love. 

One of the most eye-opening things I have learned about myself is how impulsively I respond to emotional situations.  I blast out emails and phone calls within seconds of any major upset and don’t give myself enough time to assess the real situation.  Then my poor friends have heard the drama-mode version, and barely have enough energy to listen to me go through it all again after I have over-analyzed every single detail.  (Over-analyzing is something I already knew I did – and it can be good and bad, all depending on what is being analyzed.)

So, yes it is true that Sam has moved his “other” girlfriend into his home.  And that was the shocker that caused me to go into hyper-drama mode and make one 2 hour visit and 4 lengthy, emotionally wrought phone calls all before bed.  And I did this without knowing the full story, without assessing what I really felt.   Of course, there isn’t much that can be said to cover up a new woman living in my ex boyfriend’s house, but I also hadn’t considered the fact that Sam and I really had not been “together”- had not actually be a couple or had any semblance of a romantic relationship - in months.  We had seen each other off and on, and I had known he was dating someone else whom he was very defensive about, and I knew that it was only in recent weeks that he and I had begun to connect again.    And I also knew, as did most of my closest friends, that the man I was seeing in Sam during the past 8 month was not the man I wanted to be with.

Which does not mean I did not or do not love him.  Only that he had changed so much over this time period, the type of relationship he was offering me was not the kind of relationship I wanted  – from anyone – not just Sam.

So it is exactly a week after the initial shock – and what do I know now that I didn’t know then?  What makes anything different?

Several things.

One is, the truth.  Sam finally told me the truth.  From day one, until just yesterday; he answered every question, even the ones he knew would hurt me.  He never made excuses for his actions.  And while it still hurt, and while I now know he does love this other woman, this huge heavy cloud lifted from my heart and I could actually breathe.  I could understand all the weird things that had been happening between us; the little lies revealed; the hiding and covering up; his shame and guilt.  I could look back over the 8 months we’ve spent not being a real relationship and all my questions and little hurts were defined now.  There were answers to his strange and painful behavior.

For the last 8 months I feel I’ve been lost inside a dark cave with very rare moments of ambient light drifting in from unknown sources, trying to find my way from where I am to some place where I can actually see.  That was how it has been with Sam since we broke up.  I was somewhere with him, but I couldn’t find him; I felt stranded, and was most certainly lost in the dark.   And the path I was walking was the result of things he had already done.  He had inadvertantly set up the obstacle course of my emotional life. 

And now, having just now wound my way out of that labyrinth – right then, right there, right at the moment I could begin to see again – that’s when Sam hands me the map of his heart.  He says, This is what has been happening during this time, Kina. This is what we’ve been going through.

So I look at this map, and for the first time realize and understand where I’ve been.  In fact, I can actually feel where I had been.  That one jagged curve right there?  I remember that.  I couldn’t tell how far around I had curved.  That tiny  crevice right there?  Oh, I remember exactly where that was! I was so scared and couldn’t breathe.  That one place here, so narrow and treacherous, I had no idea how dangerous that really was!

And even though Sam’s map doesn’t undo the pain and suffering of the experience, it lends some validity to the experience.  The things I felt in the dark were real and had definitions and explanations.  There were reasons for feeling scared, for having to crawl to get my bearings, for clinging to walls hoping they would lend support and guidance. 

The labyrinth was real.  And what I understand now is, Sam had to navigate his own way through before me; he had already trail-blazed the hurt and confusion I had been muddling through.  He was creating a dark place in his life, in his heart, and wasn’t sure how to get out of it.  At times I’m sure he was lost, which trail to take?; at times he was weary; at times he plunged ahead having no idea of the outcome.  Sam had walked through a twisting cavern of his own design, but until he walked it himself, he did not know where it led.  And until he emerged from his own darkness he really didn’t realize what a mess he had made until he sat down to make his map.  Looking back he could see what paths he’d taken, which decisions were not the best, which areas he should have tread a little more easily. 

Until Sam saw his own map, he didn’t even really understand how dark that place was.

And I truly believe he did not realize he had left me behind until he saw me walk of his cave, and sadly, with apologies in his eyes, handed me his map.