Life, As I See It

Once upon a time I had developed an online relationship with a wonderful man I’ll call Greg.  Greg and I lived approximately 4000 miles apart.  But Greg and I had an intellectual connection that soon turned into desire, and eventually led to disappointment – for me, that is.

Believe it or not, he managed to be the better person than I was in this relationship, and for the most part remained a neutral friend.  I am proud to say, we are still friends, and I do turn to him in a crisis. 

During the time when our online relationship was dissolving, I became the neurotic, obsessed, emotional-roller-coaster-lovin’ woman I try not to be.  But in moments of confusion where my heart is involved… it just happens.

While I was being this crazy woman across the seas, I once, in a very angry state, tried to call Greg repeatedly to do what crazy, obsessed, emotional-roller-coaster-lovin’ women do best — yell.  I cannot even remember why I was angry, but I imagine it was something along the lines of an email or voicemail from Greg saying “it’s over.” 

At any rate, I tried to get through three different times.  Each time, the call dropped before it reached his phone.  (Yes, I suspect Cingular may have fewer dropped calls, but this was way before that ad campaign began.) 

Not reaching him was actually a good thing.  In the minutes that followed the frustration that led to my craving need to yell at Greg, I began to think to myself that perhaps, maybe, possibly, a higher power intervened because this higher power, hopefully more reasonable and stable than I, could see I was about to make a huge huge huge mistake.

Now here’s the catch.  Greg is about as agnostic as one can be, bordering on atheistic (which he will deny).  When we finally did reach other, I told him my story and my belief that perhaps something above-and-beyond our comprehension had intervened on my behalf. 

Greg’s response was something like this: “It was probably just some Verizon engineer slacking off and not doing his job, and that caused the calls to drop.”

Right.  God was a Verizon engineer.  Perfect!

And so, my references to a higher power, especially when conversing with Greg, were now references to some unnamed slacker Verizon engineer.

Greg knows about these things.  Greg is an engineer.

So, our friendship was saved, I believe, by the intervention of The Verizon Engineer.  I haven’t seen The Engineer for a while.  Possibly even more than a year.  He probably was there, but wasn’t particularly concerned about my antics.

There is one episode of “Futurama” (I love that show), where robot Bender gets shot into space and somehow ends up in a nebulous, sentient cloud of pre-star gases.  Bender asks this nebula, “Are you God?”  The nebula replies, “Possibly.”

A conversation then ensues about prayer and answered prayers, etc.  My favorite part is this.  The God Nebula says, in response to Bender’s question about whether or not the God Nebula answers prayers, this: “If you are doing it right, no one will realize you are doing it at all.”

I just put that in here because I love that scene and I am definitely not doing it justice.

At any rate, in my life, The Engineer seems to have found other things to amuse himself.  Until today.

If you’ve read the earlier articles, you know that my romantic relationship is on the verge of crumbling to pieces.  You have probably also discerned that during this time of “limbo” I have not sought any outside source for my warm fuzzies.  I have remained true, being respectful of Sam’s request for time, and respectful that in some way, we haven’t quite broken up, so I don’t think I should be out looking for a new man. 

But in a moment of sadness, and the realization that very possibly this is the actual end of my relationship with Sam, and the realization that he probably is seeking some warm fuzzies elsewhere, I decided to re-register at the online dating site where we initially met.

Once Sam and I had been dating several months, I did finally take down my ad and end my membership at the online dating site.  I no longer have a login or membership there.

So, in order to view the new lonely people like myself, a new profile and login had to be created.  All questions answered, login name selected, I hit the button for “go.”

It didn’t go.  “ID already in use,” it said.

I tried another name, and another name, and something so obscure I could not imagine anyone else choosing it.  I even at one point entered “mycarisgreen.” 

“That ID is already in use.”

This is impossible!  How can 12 different IDs already be in use?  I remember how hard it is to come up with that one unique name that’s cute and not already in use.  It ain’t easy.  But at the same time, there is usually a theme of sorts.  Login names with heart, love, cuddles, or variations of, will most likely be taken already.

But, “mycarisgreen”??? Are you kidding?

I sat for a few moments thinking about what I was doing.  Did I really want to post an ad online as if I am really single in my heart?  Do I want a rebound online relationship?  And all of that while Sam and I are still in a grey area – not broken up, not really together.

I exited the website with a quiet click on the “x.”  It didn’t really seem to be in my hands anyway – apparently every possible word in the English language and variations thereof have already been registered as logins at this site.  Or, The Verizon Engineer saw what I was up to and decided to intervene.

I am now wondering if the person with “mycarisgreen” is The Verizon Engineer.  I hope he gets a lot of hits with that one.