Life, As I See It

Well, I did the very thing I thought I would never in a million years do – I made an appointment and actually went  to see a relationship counselor.  Alone.  I did not bring Sam with me.  Sam was my issue, so having him there wouldn’t have done me a lot of good.  Or good for Sam, either.

Sam and I continue to be at this little weird impasse.  For two completely separate reasons.  Sam looks into the future and, for various reasons that have changed day to day, is not certain I should be there.  My reasons for the impasse are about protecting myself from hurt.

I’ve never been to a therapist of any sort (sad, but true).  I wasn’t sure what to expect.  I knew I would cry, possibly hysterically (I did), and I knew I was so jumbled and confused about my own feelings that I probably wouldn’t make much sense. 

I started the whole session by expressing my disbelief in “therapy” for something that already seems broken and beyond repair, then added sardonically that I felt I had no where else to go for help. 

I’ve told friends before that pre-marital counseling, or romantic relationship counseling of any sort seems only to be a red flag of things yet to come in the relationship.  How can seeing a therapist take away years of behavior pattern that can hurt the other person in the relationship?  It just doesn’t seem that simple, and so I’ve always been pessimistic about therapy.

So, my new relationship therapist simply smiles and says, “So what is it I can help you with?”  And of course that is when the hysterical crying began.  I told my sad tale, starting with the events in mid-February that caused this relationship impasse, and ending with the two pieces of news I had just received that did not speak well in my eyes for a future with Sam.

I asked, how can I love him so much, and still be so afraid he is going to do this same thing again and hurt me?  The counselor (let’s call him Jim) said something along the lines that they are not mutually exclusive of each other.  In fact, one exists precisely because the other one exists.

We talk about Sam’s reasons for wanting to break up.  We talk about Sam’s reasons for wanting to stay.  Then we talk about all of my conflicting feelings and worries and concerns about these same things – stay or go.

 And then I say, I don’t know how you can help me because you cannot make the decision for me.

My gentle new counselor chuckles.  He says that’s not why he’s here.  He’s here to give me some guidelines so I can clear the confusion in my head so I can make a decision.

Is that how therapy works? I had no idea.

He tells me a great deal about how situations like the one I am in usually end; how they develop; how it affects relationship.  He tells me these things are not reasons to stay or leave a relationship.  He tells me these are things that are simply true, and what I need to decide is if I can tolerate or handle these things in a relationship.

I got it.  I mean, the lightbulb lit up.  I had been spinning my wheels on what ifs, when the reality is, those things are the reality.  They did happen, they will probably happen again.  Do I love him enough to tolerate these things?  And if not, does Sam love me enough to make a commitment that he will not do these things again?

Jim says the commitment is no guarantee, but because the commitment should be clear, specific and perfectly defined, if Sam does agree to the commitment, then there is an equal understanding of what is and what is not tolerable inside the relationship.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it?  But then I remembered the conversations Sam and I have had this past month, with no resolution.  My questions were vague and open; I think that was on purpose.  I didn’t want to boil it all down to something so specific Sam might feel he cannot commit to that thing. 

But I understand what my therapist is telling me.  Sam and I obviously already have two different ideas of what it means to “take time” in a relationship.  We obviously have different ideas of what defines our relationship. 

Two years with this man, and we’ve never ever tried to define what we are.  It was stated as “you are my friend, lover, companion, girlfriend.”  That seems specific at first, but look deeper and you will see that it is only a description of what role I play in the relationship – not what our relationship is.

My session was coming to a close.  Jim asks me to think about what I want my relationship with Sam to be – not just what our roles are.  I agree. 

He then asks if I want to make an appointment for another session.  This is the first time in a month I’ve had clarity.  So, of course, I say yes.