Why the hell does breaking up hurt SO much? I’ve decided you can tell how much you loved someone by how painful the breakup tallies against others.
To be honest, I’ve only had two real breakups before me and Sam. The first one was my very first love, and he shattered my heart and soul – and did not deserve that much heartache from me. But I learned that much later.
The second breakup, although sad, wasn’t catastrophic. We had slowly been breaking up over the course of 3 years or so. By the time we finally had the courage to admit we weren’t working out as a couple, I think we realized we were better as friends. We still ARE friends.
There have been heartaches and disappointments scattered all around my life of course. Some more dramatic than others; and most weren’t worth the tears I shed over my own insecurities.
But with Sam – oh my GOD my heart hurts so much. We weren’t perfect. No one is. No couple is perfect. But some of the loves in our lives grow so solidly into our hearts, we don’t really recognize it until they begin to pull away. And, oh, that emptiness and sadness – it feels as though it will never end, and feels like a long dark hallway where I have to tread alone in order to see the light.
My friends, while being supportive of the fact that I am hurting, don’t quite understand why this one relationship, why this one man, has caused me so much pain in it’s absence. I do not have an explanation for that; I wish I did.
Instead, all I have is this searing awareness of the emptiness and aloneness that remained when he decided to go.
I once told Sam that no man had ever held me in his arms and made love to me as he did, and while looking into my eyes said he loved me. Only Sam. I told him then, at the beginning of everything, that if our relationship ended, at least I had that, and I was happy for that memory.
But that isn’t enough to fill the empty spaces he left behind.
