Life, As I See It

 I’ve learned several valuable things about love and relationship the past week or so.  And several of them crack the core of the things I believed were absolute truths, even though I should know better as there are no absolute truths in anything.

Stephen Hawking would be proud I finally remembered that.

It doesn’t seem to matter how black and white one wishes the world were; it doesn’t even matter if for me, just for me, the world actually is as simple as black and white.  The truth is, the concept doesn’t work with people who believe there is a whole spectrum of colors between the two. 

I believed I had made the best decision about my relationship with Sam – the best decision for both of us.  A decision that I thought took us off the long difficult road of indecision and gave us some peace of mind, even if hearts were still breaking.

But Sam continues to remain undecided.  And watching him thrash in the grey area, barely afloat, looking for answers – watching this is probably more painful than the breakup itself. 

This is how The Grey works: He yearns for me; he wishes he didn’t.  He wants to be together; he wishes he could leave.  He wants to hold me forever; he feels he is weak because he cannot let go.

The Grey is nothing short of torture.

I wonder now if I made the right decision.  I wonder if I should have given him time, and stayed in The Grey with him.  At least we would have each other to cling to while the fog around us kept us blind. 

I’ve heard it said that one’s perception of reality is their reality.  Having tried so hard to avoid my perception of the suffering that occurs in The Grey, I have created my black and white reality. 

But if I am to go down that route, I prefer this sentiment from Christopher A. Ray: “Perception is merely reality filtered through the prism of your soul.”

If my perception is truly only black and white with no variations in between, I realize with great regret that the prism of my soul lacks so many beautiful colors.   Borne out of fear, I have blinded my soul.  I have erased all the colors in my soul.  I think heartache does this to a person.  I am praying, end it now end it now end it now.  And with every utterance, another color from the prism disappears.

Sam on the other hand has kept the colors in his soul.  It causes him hurt and grief, but I imagine that is the price one pays to live life beautifully and richly.  A full spectrum of life exists in his perception.  His reality is richly hued and vibrant.

I believe that the heights to which one can love is equal to the depth of despair one can feel.  Surely there is a mathematical equation to express this, but not being a mathematician, I cannot come up with one.  I only know that I have loved deeply and without reservation, and have drowned in the darkest pain when that love was taken from me.  Perhaps this was when I chose to break the prism of my soul, and reduced my world to black and white.   

It breaks my heart to watch Sam linger in The Grey, to watch little pixels of color drift away from his soul.  That is what The Grey does – reduces our world to shadow and fog.  I pray he doesn’t remain there.  I pray he can find the decision he wants to make, the choice that will end his residency in The Grey.

I pray he can hold intact the prism of his soul.  That is, afterall,  one of the reasons I fell in love with him.