Life, As I See It

I started a blog ages ago about love and online dating.  Lost my computer; stopped the blog.  Now I’m back, and came across Engtech’s blog and his Five Things Contest.  I figure, what a great way to start the new series… right?

Thing #1 – Taking Risks – again. Let’s see… how many new love relationships have I started over the years?  Actually, not that many.  But there is one thing in common with all the new starts – it’s a new risk to my heart.  Oh, it’s tricky… I so want to fall madly in love, in that naive way I could fall in love when I was younger.  But having experienced more life and love at this age, I am acutely aware of the hurt and angst and tears and pain relationships create – even the good ones.  When I’m in neurotic-woman-mode, I’ll jump right in with no regard to my safety.  A potential lover once said to me that I was already in the water swimming and he hadn’t even decided if he wanted to get wet.  That was then.  Now, I am so afraid to move forward after the few first dates, I hover on being psychotic.  Constantly worrying about the future, things that haven’t happened, may never happen, things that could hurt me, that could hurt him… on and on.  I am paralyzed by the fear of getting hurt.

My current boyfriend (a phrase that seems to belittle the relationship we have) told me at the beginning of our relationship that there is no way to know the future, so why not plow ahead as if nothing bad can happen anyway.  And, I took his advice.  We’ve had some scary moments, and I’ve had the knee-jerk reaction to bolt, but so far, I’ve stayed.

Thing #2 – Family.  It can’t be helped.  The family of your beloved, or even your own family, will have predetermined ideas about the companions we choose.  Even in the most dysfunctional family (mine, for example), the opinions of my parents and siblings regarding the man I am in love with are important to me.  I want them to adore him as much as I do.  How incredibly nerve-wracking it is to gently introduce your new man (or woman) and pray nothing goes severely awry.  It’s a game of wills and nuances.  There’s no way to think of every single do-and-don’t prior to the big introduction.  We sit on our hands and chew our inside lip everytime our partner just twitches.

And then there’s the other family – his family.  In my circumstance, for example, and without having met all of my boyfriend’s family, I know they will initially disapprove of me.  They will say, and he has told me this, that we (he and I) can’t possibly have anything in common culturally.  (He’s Chinese-Hawaiian having always lived in the islands; I’m Cherokee-Scottish and from… well… Tennessee.)  In his parents’ world, cultural compatibility is a big deal breaker.

I want to meet his family – very much so.  But my anxiety of their opinion of me has kept me at bay so far.  And at this point, I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

Thing #3 – The Friends.  At this particular moment in my relationship, I have to say that at least two of my friends are not very happy with my boyfriend.  And he probably has a couple of friends who aren’t too happy with me.  That doesn’t bode well, does it?  But, as a therapist once told me, your friends cannot possibly have anything but an emotive response to any situation involving my relationship.  Overall, I have to say my friends love him, though.  He’s cute, funny, relaxed, treats me well, what’s not to like?

But I’ve been in other situations as well.  I took my closest friend Pam to meet the man I was swimming for earlier.  It was brief – hello, how are you, heard a lot about you, see you soon.  As soon as we were out of earshot she says, “I don’t like him.  He’s a player.” Well of course I disagreed with her.  And although he didn’t turn out to be a player, he did turn out to be slightly flakier than I thought.

I’ve long believed that you can sense if a relationship will be good or bad by gauging how the friends of the couple feel about the union.  Up until the moment all introductions are actually made, I’m a nervous wreck hoping please, please, please let them like him as much as I do.  It doesn’t always turn out that way.  And in the very beginnings of a new relationship, that actually can be a deal breaker.

Thing #4 – Assimilating.  You’ve met your man, you agree this is more than a one-night or one-week thing, and voila, you are on your way to a relationship.  Be sure, your daily living pattern is going to change – even if you are in two separate bungalows.  To me, the changes are wonderful indicators that, yes, I’m in a steady relationship.  At the same time, I’m really missing my Thursday night alone to watch “Grey’s Anatomy.”  (About ten years ago, I was missing my Friday night fix of “X Files.”)

My pattern for my day wasn’t always robotic, but it pretty much consisted of waiting until the last possible moment to get out of bed; jump in the shower; minimal make-up; put on work clothes; head to work; get home from work; switch to comfy clothes; read mail, email and watch some TV; take a long wonderful shower; crawl into bed early and read until I got tired.  Boring, wasn’t it?  But it was a comforting pattern for me.  Now, right now, it’s a hit-or-miss plan for my whole week.  Our work schedules are very different, so we try to squeeze in some quality time as many times as we can in a week.  One night I may come home from work and stay in my own wonderfully comfy bed; others, I come home and get a call around 7:00 saying let’s get together, and we make our plans for the evening, which may or may not conclude with my coming home to my wonderfully comfy bed.

During this assimilation period, I can get testy.  What goes where; where does he want the toothpaste stored; how are the towels supposed to be folded, halves or thirds?  For a self-confessed neurotic woman, it is the equivalent of walking in a mine field.  Even if there have never been any blow ups!  I just want it to be right – not “Sleeping With The Enemy” right, but just pleasantly right so his own schedule isn’t disrupted.  And the reverse is true.  He wonders, when does the cat get fed; which food is the right food to give her; is this stack the clean towels or dirty towels.  You get the picture.

Thing #5 – The Future.  Of all the things that scare me about new love, it’s the uncertainty of the future.  This is similar to my Thing #1, but not exactly the same.  Taking the risk to love is one thing; trying to determine where the future may lead is something else altogether.  My boyfriend and I recently had this discussion.  He was worrying that I was in the “need to get married” mode (which I am not).   He said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but he wanted me to understand that he could not, in good conscience, make a promise that we will be together forever, or even in five years.  I know that’s true.  Scientifically, and even metaphysically, the world is full of infinite possibilities, and there are no absolutes.  So how does one chart a course for a wonderful future?  I’ve decided it must be lived like this.  Don’t make the promise to actually be together forever, but make the promise to do your best to nurture and develop the relationship with the purpose of seeing how long it lasts.  And maybe, perhaps, it will, somehow, accidentally last forever.