So —- you’ve been chatting with this great guy for a while now. You’ve IM’d and emailed furiously. You feel a real connection and think this man could be the one. But there’s this one little thing that just bugs you a little…
How can one tell, over the internet, if another person is being truthful? Short answer: you can’t. Unless you are psychic. And if you are, you should be writing a blog of your own. Most of the time, we are left to ponder odd little nuances in communication, or try to differentiate between your intuition and your fear. And most likely, it is a combination of both.
Through my own experience, and the experience of a few close friends, I’ve decided there are specific tell-tale signs a married man will inevitably show while chatting you up online.
But first things first. I’ve done it myself, but I certainly don’t recommend it. If you are looking for a long-term real relationship, don’t say “I love you” or any such sentiment until you’ve actually MET. I don’t mean exchanged naked photos through IM. I don’t mean talking on the phone late at night. I mean meet each other flesh to flesh and face to face. Trust me, a lot of heartache can be avoided taking this route instead of the one we really really want to take because we are so desperately seeking a soulmate in this life.
Having said that, I’ve noticed a few traits that “unavailable” (married or otherwise) folks will eventually do. As much as possible, keep your heart separate from your intuition and pay attention to those little things that don’t ring true. More times than not, your little voice inside is probably right. Look for things like these:
#1 – He can’t call you. Period. Or, if he can call it’s inside a very tight and specific timeline. We want to believe it’s because he works a lot, or that’s the onlytime he has the time to talk. Having said that, not all internet relationships even get so far as a phone call. And if they don’t, then they most likely are never going to materialize as a real life relationship anyway.
#2 – The “Other Person” Living at His House. You’d be amazed at the stories I’ve heard. He cannot call because he’ll wake up his sister who lives with him because she is going through a divorce; he cannot get online because a close friend is there to visit and he doesn’t want to be rude; he rents from his mother and cannot do certain things to avoid upsetting her. Hopefully, you are dealing with a grown man and not a 13-year-old. And if he is an adult, surely he has a little more control over his life than only being available between 10:00-10:15 a.m. and only on Tuesdays, except once a month when he can call on Thursday.
#3 – Regular log-ins, but no contact. Let’s say you have your online lover saved in your favorites in IM, or whatever site you have signed up to meet your hopefuls. If the man has convinced you that you are his one and only online love, then watch out. If he has the time to sign-on at any website, or log-on to any instant messaging program, he has the time to send a quick little email or message to say hello. This is especially important to consider if he has told you he loves you. If you love someone, wouldn’t you want to be in contact whenever you could? Hmmm…. just doesn’t sit true with me.
#4 – Makes Plans to Meet You, But Something Always Comes Up. A close friend of mine just went through this. After 4 months of online chatting, emails, and a few phone calls, and yes, unfortunately, the utterance of “I Love You”, she finally had a good weekend to get away and meet him. It’s a whopping two hours away. Yes, yes! he said; he couldn’t wait to spend time with her. But, there’s always a but when he’s married… he had to be home by 10:30 because he had to work early the next morning. On a Sunday. Then, two days before she is to leave to meet him, she gets the “I have something to tell you” email. She went through four months of this on-and -off possible meeting stuff. If he loves you, if he wants to try to have a real relationship with you, he can make the damned time to meet you.
Now, I’m the last person to say you are a fool for believing the guy. I’m speaking from pure experience here. Am I jaded? Not at all! I am involved in a really nice relationship that developed online… and while he was married. But that’s a rare rare event. I’ve also been guilty of cyber-sex that means nothing short of pornography to be honest; and conversely, emails that seemed to be wonderful sure-to-develop online relationships where we’ve never met. I’ve been guilty of saying “I love you” to a man I’d never met (although we had at least moved on to the phone call stage).
I believe internet dating is FABULOUS. The whole world becomes a possible place to meet the love of your life. There are so many people out there, looking for relationship, companionship, even just a few warm fuzzies. Enjoy those connections! They make our lives less mundane.
And be acutely aware of what you want. Are you looking for a cyber-sex experience? Are you trying to find true love? Are you looking for a few warm fuzzies? Know what you want before you start searching for your partner online, and that lessens the chance you’ll get hurt.
But beware… On the internet, anyone can lurk behind that cute avatar; it could be any person at all. Trust your instincts a little. If it seems flakey, if it seems sketchy, or if any excuse he gives just doesn’t sound logical, watch out! There’s a good chance he’s involved elsewhere – at home, or online.
